Hi Ho It's Off To Cleanse I Go!

Hi ho, hi ho....it's off to cleanse I go!!

Tomorrow I embark on a 3 day cleanse in the hopes of refreshing my system, freeing the fat kid within, and losing some serious poundage! Yes...I said "poundage" and I have decided it is totally a real word!!

I have cleansed before. I have fought, cried, and nashed my teeth through 7 days of fruits and veggies only. I have seriously tested my gag reflex through 5 days of kale smoothies at the advice of the "genius" Dr. Oz. After all of my pain and suffering, tomorrow I dive head first into the pool of weight loss success with, what I am sure, will be my most successful cleanse to date. No more starving, or as my grandma so eloquently put it, "she eats ALL the time!". Thank you Grandma...

Before I decided to order the Three Day Refresh, I did a lot of research on what the results were for others and what to expect. I am super excited to start. My kit came with a three day supply of shakes, a guide with options of recipes, lists of fruits and veggies I can eat, and my very own coach whom I can contact for any questions I may have.  Not too shabby!!

My goal is to lose at 5 - 8lbs over the next three days and hopefully some major inches as well. Yes...I am going to take before and after pics, however whether or not I post them remains to be seen.

Tonight I say goodbye to the yo yo weight loss and tomorrow I wake up ready to tackle the future of sustainability head on!!!

The Fat Kid Within

I'm not going to lie.  There is a fat kid inside me who would give a kidney and part of her liver for a big, greasy, juicy hamburger and a side of Ben & Jerrys right about now. 

I will not give in.  One of the greatest things one can teach a child is how to deal with disappointment in healthy and productive ways.  Today, I am giving a life lesson to the fat kid within and disappointing it with carrots and protein shakes.  It's not all the kid's fault.  Food shouldn't be so delicious! I place the blame squarely on seasoning, texture, smell, and advertisement.  Who among us can turn down the deliciousness of pizza, burgers, fries, ice cream, and cheesecake when the evil media and greedy capitalists flaunt their delicious food flavors in our faces day in and day out?!?  If we adults struggle against such inhumane tyranny, how can we expect the children to stand up against these evil forces?!?  They are only children!!!! We must guide and deny them the things they incorrectly desire!

This may seem mean or harsh to you.  Maybe it is.  Am I punishing myself and denying my body one of life's few pleasures? No. I am practicing tough love.  When I was young my dad would hug me and tell me how much he loved me after having to administer some sort of discipline when behaviors that were considered less than desirable occurred.  Let's just say I did less than desirable things frequently and subsequently got A LOT of hugs! :)  Why did he do this? Probably because he wanted to relay to me that discipline comes from a place of love. He wanted the best for me and wanted me to succeed in life, so he was obligated to correct the behaviors that would set me up for failure rather than success.  

So tonight I eat veggies and map out my week for hiking, biking, and treadmill time.  Tonight I disappoint the fat kid within because I love my body and want the very best for it.  Bring on the pain and all the gain! 

Taking Back Roads Home

 

   

The biggest obstacle I face in the war against weight (rhyme 100% unintentional, yet clever...) is the battle of the binge.  Tonight as I drove home, deliberately choosing all back roads to avoid a binge eater's mecca also known as fast food row, I let my mind wander into dangerous territory.  Let's face it, any thoughts that are beyond the depth of contemplating why George Strait looks so darn good in those wranglers, tend to give me headaches.  Tonight I let myself think about "why" I wanted so desperately to indulge in a marathon of ice cream, burgers, and fries...Oh My! 

Earlier this evening I told someone that I am close to that I express myself best through writing.  It is a form of therapy for me and it allows people a rare glimpse into the person that I really am.  It allows me to be vulnerable and real to a world that has taught me how to play a role.  I was a good student.  I was the young grasshopper who learned well.  The student has become the master. I am about to allow a little rare insight into the frightening inner workings of Lindsay's mind. 

The binge.  Most people gain "happy weight".  Whether it is due to a relationship, new job, or life is just really great, they relax, eat, and put on some extra pounds.  I'm the opposite.  I don't celebrate with food. I don't get happy and relax at the Golden Corral all the while filling plate after plate of food in joyous celebration.  In fact, the times that I am in the best shape and eating the healthiest are when I have been in happy, committed relationships.  The more secure I feel, the better I eat, and the harder I work out.  It's amazing what it does to have the person you care about most in the world tell you how beautiful you are.  Nothing feels better and somehow even an hour on the treadmill feels like pure heaven. I don't have to hide behind silly extra pounds! Someone wants me for me! If they think I am beautiful now, just wait until they see how good I can be! They know my heart, and I know I can show how my outsides can be just as beautiful as who I am inside! I wish I could describe the high that comes from the perceived security of having someone truly know me and want me anyway. 

On the flip side...when I am sad, hurting, lonely, and feeling extremely undesirable...that's when I reach for the very things meant to punish me for being so pathetic as to feel the above emotions.  Bring on the buffet of torture! Hit every drive thru between work and home because that's what you deserve for not being the type of person that someone of quality would want! It's funny how every person in the entire world can tell me I am beautiful or wonderful or the best friend anyone could ask for or that I am talented, etc and that means nothing.  It takes just one person.  The person who means more than anyone else. The person that I want more than anything to see me as beautiful, smart, funny, wonderful, talented etc...to not see me. To not want me. The person doesn't have to be cruel. In fact he/she could be the kindest, most wonderful person in the world.  All that person has to be is oblivious. All they have to do is allow me to feel safe enough to show all of me, and then reject me.  Can't hide behind anything then...might as well hide behind food. 

There is good news to this story. There is progress and growth. There was a time that I would hit every drive through I could find and "punish" myself for being so unwanted, unbeautiful, and undesirable.  I, of course, did this while hiding in my car so no one could see my shame.  But tonight, like so many nights, I took back roads. I drove straight home. I reminded myself the entire drive that I am worth it and I am someone that deserves broccoli not burgers. When I got home I rewarded myself with carrots and hummus. I wrote a somewhat humiliating blog full of unflattering confessions because maybe someone else can relate and know that they aren't alone, know that they are deserving of all of the benefits of broccoli, hummus, carrots, and kale, and not punish themselves with burgers and fries.  And just maybe, someone else will know that their sense of self-worth is not based on someone else's opinion or seemingly constant rejection. Maybe this blog, while exposing and vulnerable for me, will be freeing and inspiring to someone else who thought that they were alone in their struggle and they will have the strength to take back roads home.

A Blog By Any Other Name

What's in a name? A weight loss blog by any other name would not be so motivating or clearly express the true objectives of the blogger.

My cousin Ethan requested I start the blog again and who am I to deny my favorite Vandal anything his heart desires?? (no...Ethan I am not going to buy you a car, pay for college, allow you to have Grandma's BBQ without a fight, give you Gizmo, or take you to Tocano's for dinner.  However, I will take you to the Dollar Store and let you pick out any 1 item you want!!!) In the spirit of not being able to say no to ANYTHING my beloved cousin asks me for, I am back after an 18 month hiatus from blogging about my weight loss journey and quest for "hotness".  I am a little older, a little wiser, a little more self-aware, and a little less motivated than ever. Here goes nothing!!

So...back to the name situation.  I don't know that "Moody Hotness" is really the objective of my weight loss.  I mean the name doesn't exactly scream stability and sustainability.  Let's face it, who wants to have "moody" anything.  Talk about setting myself up for epic Oprah yo-yo dieting! One day my hotness is up, and one day it is down!! There is not a mood stabilizer (Ben & Jerry's or Cheesecake) in the world that could possibly keep up with the hotness mood swings that were bound to come my way with a weight loss blog called "Operation Moody Hotness".  Then of course there is the "hotness" part.  My goal is "hotness"? Problem! I was within 2 lbs of my cheesecake goal, didn't feel hot, saw a 245 lb, undesirable woman every time I looked in the mirror, decided my goal of "hotness" would never be achieved, and boys will never want to hold my fat, pudgy hand (slight dramatization), and promptly....QUIT.

What do I want then?? I want life. I want a sustainable weight and a life style that supports that weight.  I want to feel beautiful not hot.  I'm tired of the yo-yo and constant uphill battle that has been the last 4 years of my weight loss journey.  I want to turn 30 in a little under 3 months in a little black dress, ready to take on what I am positive is going to be the very best decade of my life.  I want to find the balance between my sordid love affair with Ben & Jerry's and my long term, committed marriage to carrots and low carb 1,200 calorie meal days. That's right!! I want my cake and I sooooo want to eat it too!! All while not gaining an ounce!! The time for yo-yo, "mood swing" diets and exercise regiments is over. Those days need to be gone like the train wreck that was my 20's.  The future and my 30's are all about stability, sustainability, life and diets are not a crisis, and experiencing absolutely everything that I can possibly can.

Important Notes...

1. I have not touched cheesecake, cheesecake flavored, or cheesecake replacement food in 3 years. Until I reach my goal of 145 lbs, I will continue to practice cheesecake abstinence.

2. I am still going to my trainer and am still actively coming up with excuses to not go.  I swear today's excuse was completely legit Brandee!! I will explain later (not for the world wide web to see).

3.  I still find that the only green things I enjoy eating are Skittles, and M&Ms.  The idea of celery, broccoli, kale (nasty, nasty kale), peas, and green beans makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and cry for my mommy.

4. I'm still extremely hard on myself, wish I could do better, wish I was better, and feel inadequate/unqualified to be writing any sort of weight loss blog.

So...here we go! First order of business...I need a new name for my blog.  I welcome suggestions and ideas, so help me out!!