The biggest obstacle I face in the war against weight (rhyme 100% unintentional, yet clever...) is the battle of the binge. Tonight as I drove home, deliberately choosing all back roads to avoid a binge eater's mecca also known as fast food row, I let my mind wander into dangerous territory. Let's face it, any thoughts that are beyond the depth of contemplating why George Strait looks so darn good in those wranglers, tend to give me headaches. Tonight I let myself think about "why" I wanted so desperately to indulge in a marathon of ice cream, burgers, and fries...Oh My!
Earlier this evening I told someone that I am close to that I express myself best through writing. It is a form of therapy for me and it allows people a rare glimpse into the person that I really am. It allows me to be vulnerable and real to a world that has taught me how to play a role. I was a good student. I was the young grasshopper who learned well. The student has become the master. I am about to allow a little rare insight into the frightening inner workings of Lindsay's mind.
The binge. Most people gain "happy weight". Whether it is due to a relationship, new job, or life is just really great, they relax, eat, and put on some extra pounds. I'm the opposite. I don't celebrate with food. I don't get happy and relax at the Golden Corral all the while filling plate after plate of food in joyous celebration. In fact, the times that I am in the best shape and eating the healthiest are when I have been in happy, committed relationships. The more secure I feel, the better I eat, and the harder I work out. It's amazing what it does to have the person you care about most in the world tell you how beautiful you are. Nothing feels better and somehow even an hour on the treadmill feels like pure heaven. I don't have to hide behind silly extra pounds! Someone wants me for me! If they think I am beautiful now, just wait until they see how good I can be! They know my heart, and I know I can show how my outsides can be just as beautiful as who I am inside! I wish I could describe the high that comes from the perceived security of having someone truly know me and want me anyway.
On the flip side...when I am sad, hurting, lonely, and feeling extremely undesirable...that's when I reach for the very things meant to punish me for being so pathetic as to feel the above emotions. Bring on the buffet of torture! Hit every drive thru between work and home because that's what you deserve for not being the type of person that someone of quality would want! It's funny how every person in the entire world can tell me I am beautiful or wonderful or the best friend anyone could ask for or that I am talented, etc and that means nothing. It takes just one person. The person who means more than anyone else. The person that I want more than anything to see me as beautiful, smart, funny, wonderful, talented etc...to not see me. To not want me. The person doesn't have to be cruel. In fact he/she could be the kindest, most wonderful person in the world. All that person has to be is oblivious. All they have to do is allow me to feel safe enough to show all of me, and then reject me. Can't hide behind anything then...might as well hide behind food.
There is good news to this story. There is progress and growth. There was a time that I would hit every drive through I could find and "punish" myself for being so unwanted, unbeautiful, and undesirable. I, of course, did this while hiding in my car so no one could see my shame. But tonight, like so many nights, I took back roads. I drove straight home. I reminded myself the entire drive that I am worth it and I am someone that deserves broccoli not burgers. When I got home I rewarded myself with carrots and hummus. I wrote a somewhat humiliating blog full of unflattering confessions because maybe someone else can relate and know that they aren't alone, know that they are deserving of all of the benefits of broccoli, hummus, carrots, and kale, and not punish themselves with burgers and fries. And just maybe, someone else will know that their sense of self-worth is not based on someone else's opinion or seemingly constant rejection. Maybe this blog, while exposing and vulnerable for me, will be freeing and inspiring to someone else who thought that they were alone in their struggle and they will have the strength to take back roads home.
