Hi Ho It's Off To Cleanse I Go!

Hi ho, hi ho....it's off to cleanse I go!!

Tomorrow I embark on a 3 day cleanse in the hopes of refreshing my system, freeing the fat kid within, and losing some serious poundage! Yes...I said "poundage" and I have decided it is totally a real word!!

I have cleansed before. I have fought, cried, and nashed my teeth through 7 days of fruits and veggies only. I have seriously tested my gag reflex through 5 days of kale smoothies at the advice of the "genius" Dr. Oz. After all of my pain and suffering, tomorrow I dive head first into the pool of weight loss success with, what I am sure, will be my most successful cleanse to date. No more starving, or as my grandma so eloquently put it, "she eats ALL the time!". Thank you Grandma...

Before I decided to order the Three Day Refresh, I did a lot of research on what the results were for others and what to expect. I am super excited to start. My kit came with a three day supply of shakes, a guide with options of recipes, lists of fruits and veggies I can eat, and my very own coach whom I can contact for any questions I may have.  Not too shabby!!

My goal is to lose at 5 - 8lbs over the next three days and hopefully some major inches as well. Yes...I am going to take before and after pics, however whether or not I post them remains to be seen.

Tonight I say goodbye to the yo yo weight loss and tomorrow I wake up ready to tackle the future of sustainability head on!!!

The Fat Kid Within

I'm not going to lie.  There is a fat kid inside me who would give a kidney and part of her liver for a big, greasy, juicy hamburger and a side of Ben & Jerrys right about now. 

I will not give in.  One of the greatest things one can teach a child is how to deal with disappointment in healthy and productive ways.  Today, I am giving a life lesson to the fat kid within and disappointing it with carrots and protein shakes.  It's not all the kid's fault.  Food shouldn't be so delicious! I place the blame squarely on seasoning, texture, smell, and advertisement.  Who among us can turn down the deliciousness of pizza, burgers, fries, ice cream, and cheesecake when the evil media and greedy capitalists flaunt their delicious food flavors in our faces day in and day out?!?  If we adults struggle against such inhumane tyranny, how can we expect the children to stand up against these evil forces?!?  They are only children!!!! We must guide and deny them the things they incorrectly desire!

This may seem mean or harsh to you.  Maybe it is.  Am I punishing myself and denying my body one of life's few pleasures? No. I am practicing tough love.  When I was young my dad would hug me and tell me how much he loved me after having to administer some sort of discipline when behaviors that were considered less than desirable occurred.  Let's just say I did less than desirable things frequently and subsequently got A LOT of hugs! :)  Why did he do this? Probably because he wanted to relay to me that discipline comes from a place of love. He wanted the best for me and wanted me to succeed in life, so he was obligated to correct the behaviors that would set me up for failure rather than success.  

So tonight I eat veggies and map out my week for hiking, biking, and treadmill time.  Tonight I disappoint the fat kid within because I love my body and want the very best for it.  Bring on the pain and all the gain! 

Taking Back Roads Home

 

   

The biggest obstacle I face in the war against weight (rhyme 100% unintentional, yet clever...) is the battle of the binge.  Tonight as I drove home, deliberately choosing all back roads to avoid a binge eater's mecca also known as fast food row, I let my mind wander into dangerous territory.  Let's face it, any thoughts that are beyond the depth of contemplating why George Strait looks so darn good in those wranglers, tend to give me headaches.  Tonight I let myself think about "why" I wanted so desperately to indulge in a marathon of ice cream, burgers, and fries...Oh My! 

Earlier this evening I told someone that I am close to that I express myself best through writing.  It is a form of therapy for me and it allows people a rare glimpse into the person that I really am.  It allows me to be vulnerable and real to a world that has taught me how to play a role.  I was a good student.  I was the young grasshopper who learned well.  The student has become the master. I am about to allow a little rare insight into the frightening inner workings of Lindsay's mind. 

The binge.  Most people gain "happy weight".  Whether it is due to a relationship, new job, or life is just really great, they relax, eat, and put on some extra pounds.  I'm the opposite.  I don't celebrate with food. I don't get happy and relax at the Golden Corral all the while filling plate after plate of food in joyous celebration.  In fact, the times that I am in the best shape and eating the healthiest are when I have been in happy, committed relationships.  The more secure I feel, the better I eat, and the harder I work out.  It's amazing what it does to have the person you care about most in the world tell you how beautiful you are.  Nothing feels better and somehow even an hour on the treadmill feels like pure heaven. I don't have to hide behind silly extra pounds! Someone wants me for me! If they think I am beautiful now, just wait until they see how good I can be! They know my heart, and I know I can show how my outsides can be just as beautiful as who I am inside! I wish I could describe the high that comes from the perceived security of having someone truly know me and want me anyway. 

On the flip side...when I am sad, hurting, lonely, and feeling extremely undesirable...that's when I reach for the very things meant to punish me for being so pathetic as to feel the above emotions.  Bring on the buffet of torture! Hit every drive thru between work and home because that's what you deserve for not being the type of person that someone of quality would want! It's funny how every person in the entire world can tell me I am beautiful or wonderful or the best friend anyone could ask for or that I am talented, etc and that means nothing.  It takes just one person.  The person who means more than anyone else. The person that I want more than anything to see me as beautiful, smart, funny, wonderful, talented etc...to not see me. To not want me. The person doesn't have to be cruel. In fact he/she could be the kindest, most wonderful person in the world.  All that person has to be is oblivious. All they have to do is allow me to feel safe enough to show all of me, and then reject me.  Can't hide behind anything then...might as well hide behind food. 

There is good news to this story. There is progress and growth. There was a time that I would hit every drive through I could find and "punish" myself for being so unwanted, unbeautiful, and undesirable.  I, of course, did this while hiding in my car so no one could see my shame.  But tonight, like so many nights, I took back roads. I drove straight home. I reminded myself the entire drive that I am worth it and I am someone that deserves broccoli not burgers. When I got home I rewarded myself with carrots and hummus. I wrote a somewhat humiliating blog full of unflattering confessions because maybe someone else can relate and know that they aren't alone, know that they are deserving of all of the benefits of broccoli, hummus, carrots, and kale, and not punish themselves with burgers and fries.  And just maybe, someone else will know that their sense of self-worth is not based on someone else's opinion or seemingly constant rejection. Maybe this blog, while exposing and vulnerable for me, will be freeing and inspiring to someone else who thought that they were alone in their struggle and they will have the strength to take back roads home.

A Blog By Any Other Name

What's in a name? A weight loss blog by any other name would not be so motivating or clearly express the true objectives of the blogger.

My cousin Ethan requested I start the blog again and who am I to deny my favorite Vandal anything his heart desires?? (no...Ethan I am not going to buy you a car, pay for college, allow you to have Grandma's BBQ without a fight, give you Gizmo, or take you to Tocano's for dinner.  However, I will take you to the Dollar Store and let you pick out any 1 item you want!!!) In the spirit of not being able to say no to ANYTHING my beloved cousin asks me for, I am back after an 18 month hiatus from blogging about my weight loss journey and quest for "hotness".  I am a little older, a little wiser, a little more self-aware, and a little less motivated than ever. Here goes nothing!!

So...back to the name situation.  I don't know that "Moody Hotness" is really the objective of my weight loss.  I mean the name doesn't exactly scream stability and sustainability.  Let's face it, who wants to have "moody" anything.  Talk about setting myself up for epic Oprah yo-yo dieting! One day my hotness is up, and one day it is down!! There is not a mood stabilizer (Ben & Jerry's or Cheesecake) in the world that could possibly keep up with the hotness mood swings that were bound to come my way with a weight loss blog called "Operation Moody Hotness".  Then of course there is the "hotness" part.  My goal is "hotness"? Problem! I was within 2 lbs of my cheesecake goal, didn't feel hot, saw a 245 lb, undesirable woman every time I looked in the mirror, decided my goal of "hotness" would never be achieved, and boys will never want to hold my fat, pudgy hand (slight dramatization), and promptly....QUIT.

What do I want then?? I want life. I want a sustainable weight and a life style that supports that weight.  I want to feel beautiful not hot.  I'm tired of the yo-yo and constant uphill battle that has been the last 4 years of my weight loss journey.  I want to turn 30 in a little under 3 months in a little black dress, ready to take on what I am positive is going to be the very best decade of my life.  I want to find the balance between my sordid love affair with Ben & Jerry's and my long term, committed marriage to carrots and low carb 1,200 calorie meal days. That's right!! I want my cake and I sooooo want to eat it too!! All while not gaining an ounce!! The time for yo-yo, "mood swing" diets and exercise regiments is over. Those days need to be gone like the train wreck that was my 20's.  The future and my 30's are all about stability, sustainability, life and diets are not a crisis, and experiencing absolutely everything that I can possibly can.

Important Notes...

1. I have not touched cheesecake, cheesecake flavored, or cheesecake replacement food in 3 years. Until I reach my goal of 145 lbs, I will continue to practice cheesecake abstinence.

2. I am still going to my trainer and am still actively coming up with excuses to not go.  I swear today's excuse was completely legit Brandee!! I will explain later (not for the world wide web to see).

3.  I still find that the only green things I enjoy eating are Skittles, and M&Ms.  The idea of celery, broccoli, kale (nasty, nasty kale), peas, and green beans makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and cry for my mommy.

4. I'm still extremely hard on myself, wish I could do better, wish I was better, and feel inadequate/unqualified to be writing any sort of weight loss blog.

So...here we go! First order of business...I need a new name for my blog.  I welcome suggestions and ideas, so help me out!!

And...We're Back!!

Greetings to all and Happy New Year!! Ok..so that sounds WAY more chipper and peppy than I feel on this eve of destruction.  Tonight I should drink and be merry for tomorrow I die.  Slightly dramatic?  Possibly!  However if you had my trainer, you would TOTALLY understand (just kidding Brandee...you know I have nothing but socially acceptable, platonic love for you! Please don't hurt me!)

Tomorrow I return to the gym.  Tomorrow my vacation and sabbatical from weight loss and healthy food is over.  Tomorrow is the dawn of a new era.  A new regime, if you will.  Tomorrow...I sweat.  Tomorrow begins the ending of my weight loss journey.  I have made the decision that over the next 4 months I will have completed the "loss" portion of my journey and moved to the "maintenance" phase.  For 2 years I have focused on very little besides what I am putting in my mouth, what the scale says, what the size of my jeans are, what my new goal would be, and just how far I am from that goal.  I'm ready for a new focus and having something besides calorie counting to talk about. I am ready for a life outside of the gym.


So with that explanation...I give you my new goal.  I am going to be 125lbs by April 30, 2013.  It isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it in the end.  I have about 25lbs to go and more determination than I have had in months.  So much determination, in fact, that I have decided that Gizmo needs to get in on all the fun.  Judging by the look on his little face and his actions after I put his workout gear on him today...he is going to be a tough sell!!

P.S. I also added a picture that I have probably over-circulated at this point.  However, it is worth mentioning that it is the first full body shot of me that I have felt like I look "small" in and actually feel pretty.  Small victories! Right?!?

Pretty Sure That's His Tongue He's Sticking Out At Me! 

Apparently Getting Dressed For The Gym Is Exhausting!

An Army of Moody

Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge.

~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

This is going to be a rare blog.  For the first time ever I am going to be combine my two blogs. That's right!! Welcome to the first (and last) entry of The Adventures of Lindsay Moody Hotness!! 

"I've been standing where you left me, praying you would come and get me..."

I have been struggling more than a little with motivation lately. Happenings in my personal life have taken the wind from my sails.  Lies and betrayal  left me shattered, unmotivated, and unwilling to leave the couch to interact with the outside world, let alone spend some quality time with the treadmill.  I looked at the pictures from 2008 when I was at my lowest emotional point and my highest physical weight and recognized that, the girl smiling through the pain still lived inside me.  I was desperate for my favorite vice.  Food.  It makes everything feel better and in a world that was seemingly spinning out of control with one hurt after another, it was the only thing I thought I could control.  How sad that I believed that I could control food, when really, it controlled me.

"But now I've found my second wind.  Now I've found my second skin.  When you broke me into pieces, I gave each piece a name..."

Then it happened. The breaking point.  The point where one final act/request by another person pushed me over the edge.  I got angry.  No more! Enough is enough!  Do I look like a doormat that is here for your amusement?  Do you think you can beat me?  Do you think I am here to let you hurt me and then let you turn me into your errand girl?  Do you think I will allow you are anyone else to destroy me?  Do I look like a carrier pigeon, a member of the United States Postal Service, or a rider for the Pony Express?  Deliver your own dang messages.  I am not going to enable you to hurt me again!  Do you think you can break me? You couldn't be more wrong!  Hell hath no furry like a former fat chick, emotional eater, Moody woman scorned. (Pun is definitely intended) 

"One of me is wiser, one of me is stronger, one of me is a fighter, and there's a thousand faces of me. And we're going to rise up. For every time you broke me, well you're gonna face an army. Army of me!..."

I am not that scared, depressed, confused, hurting, hopeless girl any more.  I am a strong, independent, successful, beautiful (inside and out) woman who will not back down.  I will not and cannot be defeated.  I have been through and overcome too much to let a little pain defeat me.  The high road is not synonymous with the "getting walked all over road". I am too strong for that.  

"Welcome to my revolution.  All your walls are breaking down.  I see a glimpse of recognition, but it's too little too late.  And what you thought was your best decision, just became your worst mistake..."

Tonight I am back with a vengeance.  Nothing/no one is going to have the ability to control my emotions, eating, or weight.  I took back control.  I bought a new, pink iPod for the gym.  My phone has been a constant source of anxiety over the past several months and using it for music during my workouts has been detrimental.  I eliminated it.  I choose when I see a text message and when I hear a voice mail.  I went to the store and made a choice. I am actively choosing what I put in my body. No longer do my emotions or how another person makes me feel, control what I eat.  I am in charge and I will never stop fighting.

"So how does it feel to know that I beat you, that I can defeat you? Cause it sure feels sweet to me! One of me is wiser, on of me is stronger, one of me is a fighter!" 

The Cleanse

Before Thanksgiving my trainer told me that I just HAD to do the Dr. Oz  3 day cleanse.  Apparently it not only cleaned out your system and resets your hormones, but also makes you run faster, jump higher, processes your taxes, makes a killer batch of krinkle fries, and gives you wings to fly! Ok, ok...I will admit that it doesn't do your taxes, but you get the point that this was supposed to be the cleanse to end all cleanses! Well, who am I to argue with Dr. Oz??  I quickly recruited my grandma to do this with me.  When I say recruited I mean voluntold.  While Grandma was in Arizona over Thanksgiving I bought a Magic Bullet and all of the ingredients for our cleanse.  When she landed I let her know that I bought groceries for the next 3 days and was excited to try out my new culinary toy!

I'll be honest y'all.  It did not go as planned.  I now know why Dr. Oz is so skinny! He starves! I have done cleanses before and never struggled like I did with this one.  I was extremely successful on the week long fruit and veggie diet.  What could be so hard about eating smoothies?? Well, let me tell you, it is not as easy as it looks.  I have eaten enough kale to last me a life time and if I never eat another chunky green smoothie again I won't be exactly sad.  I made it through to the last shake on day three and gave up.  Grandma was a trooper, but when I walked in the door after work tonight, she told me quite firmly that she was not eating that "stuff" tonight.  We had chicken tacos and after three days of not chewing my food and only being able to drink it, it had to be the best meal that I have ever consumed.

I am frustrated these days with my weight loss.  I am soooo close to "cheesecake" weight but I just can't seem to get my act together.  I have no desire to exercise or eat right, but sleep and laying on the couch all day sounds delightful.  I was really hoping that this cleanse would jump start my motivation and drive.  Instead, all it did was demoralize me and make me feel like a bit of a failure.  I am supposed to meet with my trainer tomorrow morning and have my weekly weigh in but the idea of standing on the device of torture and judgement (the scale) is less exciting to me than playing leapfrog with a unicorn.  I don't know what it is going to take but I need to get back at it.  I have come too far and worked too hard to quit now.  I am no longer excited about my size 7/8 jeans and am ready for size 5/6's. Who would have thought that I would ever get to the point where I felt fat and overweight in a size 8?  I can remember being a size 20w and wishing that I was a size 14! At any rate, I need to get going again.

I write this entry because I have been asked by many people if I ever feel like a failure or want to quit.  My answer...every day.  Every day, 5 times a day, I have to choose what I am putting in my body and whether or not I am going to exercise.  Sometimes I make good decisions and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.  The important thing that I am having to remind myself of  is that it doesn't matter how big I fail or how many poor decisions I make, the next day is always new and I have to pick myself back up, put away the pizza, and get back on that treadmill.