Or maybe I do mean age...who knows! This is what I do know. As I get closer and closer to my pre-stupid head guy who broke my heart weight and pre-eating my emotions weight, I am finding that I am feeling more and more like the "Old Lindsay".
-SIDE BAR -
I am a bit hesitant to use the word "old" in front of my name, especially since I am single. It conjures up images of 49 cats (50 cats would just be depressing) wandering around my apartment, while I watch Matlock in one of my favorite kitty cat sweaters, drinking Metamucil and Tang. Or worse...living in my parents' basement screaming for my "ma" to make me some meatloaf! ***Shudder***
It is best if I move on from that train of thought before the therapy bills really start to rack up!! So...back to "Old Lindsay". What I mean by "old" is simply that as I am losing weight and getting closer to where I use to be, I am starting to feel like myself again. By "old" I probably mean young. Young Lindsay who didn't carry the weight of super sized fries, Big Macs, chips, candy, cake, cookies, etc around my waist! It is hard to explain but when I was in the middle of my weight gain and then at my heaviest weight of 245lbs, I didn't "feel" like Lindsay. Perhaps it was indicative (woohoo....the proper use of a BIG word!! Maybe Mom and Dad don't need to call my private school and ask for a refund after all!) of what I was going through at that time in my life.
I was all sorts of a hot mess. I was away from everything that made me "me". I was in Washington with zero friends or family and in a relationship that was less than ideal and extremely unhealthy. I am not going to go into any details but let's just say...he wasn't George Strait (everyone knows George is the ultimate prince charming...well anyone with common sense anyway)! I had completely lost touch of "home" physically, emotionally, and spiritually. All the things that usually comforted me seemed to be a million miles away and in the absence of those things I turned to the one thing that was always there (no, I didn't start sucking my thumb! Do you know how much money went into my mouth?! My parents would have killed me if I had screwed up my jaw/bite!), food. Oh glorious food! I started small...pizza, chips, brownies, and cookies; you know....gateway foods! Then when the thrill of what those foods had to offer was gone I had to move on to something else. I needed to fly on the wings of sugar until I was able to surf the waves of the delicious chocolate milky way! It was around this time that I started my scandalous and elicit affair with two men who were not my husband. You guessed it. Ben & Jerry. I was in heaven with every delicious bite! Somehow my days were more bearable knowing that at home I had two extremely delightful men waiting for me in my freezer. However, the romance soon fizzled and having two men waiting in my freezer for me to get home at night was starting to get a bit creepy (well it sounds creepy now at least), so I needed something else. Something that reminded me of home. Something that was so wonderful that the mere whisper of its name would send chills down my spine...cheesecake!!
Ok...so this is not a blog on how I gained the weight or how wonderful cheesecake is, but I did feel it important to give some sort of back story to properly paint the picture of how lost I was and how close I have come to full circle. I have been on this weight loss journey for a little over a year and as I have previously written numerous times, regardless of my clever and probably most brilliant title ever (humor me) of my blog, it really has nothing to do about outward hotness. It has been about healing. There have been so many milestones over the past year and it has definitely been a struggle. I am no where near the finish line but judging on the recent additions of Dolly Parton, Conway Twitty, and Newsboys to my iPod, I would say I am getting closer and closer to home.
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