It is very out of the ordinary that I actually have a rational thought let alone a rational fear. The weight loss process has definitely brought out my dramatic side and I have found myself staying up at night thinking about how I may wake up dead due to the loss of internal organs. Hear me out on this one...because if you weren't already convinced that I need a psychiatric evaluation or possibly inpatient care (I hear Washington has a couple of nice "places"...), you will have absolutely no doubt that I should be declared legally insane!! I have convinced myself that my organs were only being held in place by the large deposits of extra "fluff" in my body. The more I lose said "fluff" the looser my organs get. What if I lose so much that I don't have any "fluff" left and my organs being slowly slipping out of place and eventually just fall out of my body?? That could be slightly inconvenient as I am sure God didn't just fill my body with things like a heart, liver, kidneys, lungs, etc just to fill in some gaps between my bones and veins! And...in case you are wondering....no, I haven't spent that much time thinking about exactly where they would fall out and I am pretty sure it is best that none of us even go there!
You would think with my overly active imagination that I wouldn't have time to actually come up with anything of substance to think about or say, however the other day the strangest thing happened to me! In between thoughts of looking like a bug-eyed pug and internal organs mysteriously abandoning me in my greatest time of need...I had a normal, sane, rational thought that caused a normal, sane, rational fear...cue the light bulb over my head! As you may recall, I was insanely excited about hitting the 160's!! I couldn't believe that I had finally beaten the evil 170's at their own game! My excitement was even furthered when I stepped on the scale and the little digital glow of the number on the scale flashed 166 at me! Woo...crap. I looked in the mirror. That is right! Before I could even get to the "hoo" of my "Woohoo", my bubble burst, the parade got a lot of rain, the wind was taken out of my....well you get the point. I realized that I still look horribly over weight. The longer I stared in the mirror, the more I found that I didn't like. Sure I have cheekbones for the first time in 5 years and the pictures show a huge transformation, but I am still not happy. Here is where the fear kicked in. If you had told me in June 2010, at 210lbs (I had already lost 35lbs), that I would still look overweight at 166 and that I would not like what I saw, I would have laughed! After 79lbs of weight loss, how would I not look and feel amazing?!? Well...I am here to say that it is true. I am now thinking about 145lbs...100lbs of total weight loss...will I like it? What if after all my hard work and tears, I reach 100lbs of weight loss (literally lose the weight equivalent of a Backstreet Boy) and am still not happy? Will I ever feel good and be content?? What if I just feel the urge to keep going and going but never reach a place of satisfaction?? What if this becomes an unhealthy addiction??
I have a feeling I may not have anything to worry about! As much as I miss cheesecake, I am pretty sure being overly aggressive about my weight loss won't be a problem. What will be a problem is with the number of people who have offered to take me to The Cheesecake Factory as soon as I hit 145lbs, I may actually gain all the weight back!! CRAP!!! And now, thanks to my own brilliant blogging therapy, I have uncovered yet another fear...what if I gain it all back?!? AGH!!!
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