In the history of my blog I have never had an occasion in which I felt that two posts in one night was warranted. Plus, I am just not that witty! Well, tonight the stars must have aligned in perfect formation! This evening I enjoyed a time of food and shopping with some of my girlfriends. Knowing that I needed clothes, we headed over to Maurices to engage in some much needed retail therapy. Well...what I walked away with was a whole lot more than new clothes. Yes, zipping up a size 9/10 (with a little help from my friend, Spanx) brought me a little bit of confidence, but I was still feeling super insecure about my body. I figured that at least I would have a goal now. Fit in new jeans, ASAP! No food and all exercise = new jeans! When I got home, my friend Tory and I were messing around and I decided that I would give myself further inspiration to hit the treadmill 12 hours per day. I started pulling out the "skinny" jeans. You know, the jeans that every woman has in the vain hope that one day they will once again be the size she was in high school! I knew they wouldn't fit, but I told myself that it would be OK because it would just inspire me to work harder!
Well....
THEY FIT!!!!!!!!!! Now granted, my "skinny" jeans aren't all that skinny. They are a size 12 but in all fairness back when I went to high school, sizes did run smaller! The other good news - I have like 5 pair of jeans that I saved and they all work, which means outside of my smaller (and much snugger) new jeans from Maurices, I won't have to buy jeans for a couple of months! Hooray for my wallet!
Then things got a little crazy. I decided to try on the dress I wore to my brother's wedding 7 years ago.
Well....
IT FIT!!! It was actually a little bulky in places!
As I walked around my apartment in complete shock, I realized something that is super scary for me (beware...the Dr. Phil moment I promised would never happen is about to happen). I can't hide behind my weight any more. I can't hide behind being the overweight, broken girl that I have found so comforting over the past 3 years. I am still overweight but I am not damaged or at least I don't have to be. I still have my goal of 100lbs of weight loss, and my journey is far from over, but I am going to have to start finding a new excuse and a new "shtick" because the obese, funny, and slightly dumb blonde act just isn't cutting it any more - mainly because I am not any of those things. Ok, I will admit to slight blonde moments on occasion. With one zip into a pair of jeans that I wore when I was 18, I realized that it was time to be open again. No more keeping people at arms length by making fun of my weight and acting like a complete idiot and pretending I am stupid. I can be a strong, confident woman who has something to offer those around me. Yes, there is an extremely good chance that I am going to get hurt again. I am guaranteed that I am going to fail again at some point, but at least I will fail being me and not some "persona" that keeps people just close enough to become acquainted with, but never so close they can see who I really am.
Who knew that a pair of jeans could be more therapeutic than watching a year's worth of Dr. Phil re-runs!
New Jeans!!!
Skinny Jeans!!!!
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