And Now the End is Near And so I Face the Final Curtain

You will have to indulge me one last overly dramatic blog title. This one is courtesy of Mr. Frank Sinatra!

So...here it is... my last blog post for Operation Moody Hotness.  After 6 months of blogging my journey through weight loss and healing, it is time to close up this chapter of my life.  It has been a lot of fun and at times super embarrassing to write about the struggle of eating and workouts.  Weight loss is so much more emotional and draining than I ever imagined!!  I am amazed that over that time there have been over 1500 views and countless comments, emails, text messages of support and inspiration.  Thank you! It is what kept me going when I wanted to sleep instead of go to the gym or reach for a carrot stick when I really wanted to grab a cookie.  I honestly hope that my journey has inspired others as much as they have inspired me.  We all have our own paths and I want all of you to know that I am dedicated to being your cheerleader and friend the entire way! Call me, text me, Facebook me (well if I haven't randomly deleted it for the 5th time that week..), or email me! Heck, I will even respond to carrier pigeons and smoke signals! I promise my pep talks won't include slapping you on the butt and telling you to "get back in there and win one for the Gipper!"

Here are the stats:

December 7,  2008       April 11, 2011:             October 11, 2011
 Weight: 245lbs               Weight: 188lbs                   Weight: 157lbs
      Size: 20w                     Size: 17/18                          Size: 9/10
 
These aren't the final numbers because there will never be a finish line.  This is a lifelong process and journey and I still have at least 12 more pounds to go until I get my beloved cheesecake, but I am definitely going to keep going beyond that 100lb mark.

Over the past almost 3 years, I have lost 88lbs yet gained so much more than I could ever measure by the digital number on the scale.  I have gained back my life and I have started the healing process.  That's right, "started" the healing process.  I still have things to address and changes to make before I will be free and ready to face a world of dating and hopefully, some day marriage and babies.  All healing comes one step at a time.  For me the healing process has looked like this:

1.  Leave Seattle
2.  Get Job
3.  Move Out and Become Self Sufficient
4.  Lose Weight (Operation Moody Hotness)
5. Let Go, Let God and Start Living!

Each of those steps has been a little harder than the previous.  Some days the act of getting out of bed was just too much for me to take and other days I felt I could conquer the world.  Just as it has been with every progress point before, as I stare at this final step, I am terrified! I know that there are going to be good days and days that are painful.  But as I have learned from the past 2 years and 10 months (but who's counting), the pain that comes from healing is temporary and when you come out on the other side, the sun shines a little brighter and you are a little freer.  It's all just part of peeling back another layer, taking another step of healing, and growing as a person.

I have said this many many times since my very first blog entry, Operation Moody Hotness was never about how I look on the outside.  The title actually came out of my sleep deprived brain one night around 3 a.m.  Some of my most creative/scary/slightly delusional ideas come from sleep deprivation.  I should probably do something about that!  For me Operation Moody Hotness was more about the internal and my heart.  Sure, I am a normal woman who wants to feel beautiful on the outside and the compliments are always nice to hear.  I am not going to pretend that it isn't.  However, for me to reach my true goal is to be a woman of God and the woman God created me to be.  I read the most amazing quote in a book yesterday and it literally caused me to stop and say "WOW" out loud (I am sure Gizmo was a bit confused!).

"A woman is not born a woman.  Nor does she become one when she marries a man, bears a child and does their dirty linen, not even when she joins a women's liberation movement.  A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be."

~Anonymous

That is what Operation Moody Hotness was all about.  It wasn't about looking sexy in a little black dress so I can get a date or have the world around me find me physically beautiful.  That is just too shallow, empty, and pointless.  It has been about getting rid of the superficial issues (the reasons behind my 100lb weight gain) and the distractions (using food as my crutch) so that God could get to my heart and make me the woman of God that He created me to be.  I had to get to a place where I could view food in a healthy way instead of as my means of control and at times, my god.  Now that I am free of the distractions and unhealthy views of food, my focus has changed:

1 Peter 3:3-4

  "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Proverbs 31:30

  "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

My greatest desire is to a woman after God's own heart and live in His freedom, love, and peace every moment of every day! Then, and only then, will I have achieved "Moody Hotness".

Saddest Day of My Food Loving Life

For those of you who think I am overly dramatic, I have only one thing to say to you...."PSH!!!!!!" Just keep reading until you pass judgment.  If you are not crying bitter tears of loss and emptiness at the end of this post, well then you just don't have a heart my friend.

Tonight I drove out to Nampa for the final of 7 (yes 7) family dinners.  After a week of pastas, fried chicken, sticky buns, dinner rolls, potatoes, brownies, lasagna, and fruit salads, I am pretty sure I have gained about 10lbs.  I am avoiding the scale.  When I arrived at my Grandma's there were delicious, homemade chocolate chip cookies.  I could smell their deliciousness from the moment I shut my car door.  My mouth watered, my tummy grumbled, and I couldn't wait for what I knew was going to be the most glorious cookie experience of my life.  Grandma NEVER bakes cookies any more and I was determined to savor each amazing morsel.

Well...

Things didn't go exactly as planned.  As I took my first bite of the amazing cookie, I felt my body reject the sweetness and chocolatey goodness! This must be a mistake! These are Grandma's cookies!!! They are soo delicious!!! Naturally I decided to whip my body and taste buds into shape with a second cookie.  Perhaps they are just not use to the rich blend of flavors that Grandma prepares with so much love.  Again, complete rejection from my stomach.  Now I was just torked.  I mean seriously! Everyone around me was thoroughly enjoying the cookies! It was this point, I should have admitted defeat.  I should have just raised the white flag and called it a night.  But did I do this wise thing?? Of course not! It became the battle of the wills.  Lindsay vs. Taste Buds/Stomach.  Round 1 had started with one cookie.  Round 12 came to crashing hault after 6 cookies and me lying on the floor moaning my defeat.  Taste Buds/Stomach win by way of knock out, 3 minutes and 22 seconds into the 12th round!  Now I am lying in bed wishing I was dead as, what feels like a Keebler elf, pounds tiny nails into my stomach.  There are no such tears as those cried in bitter disappointment!  What has happened to me?!?  Have I really trained my body to reject the taste of sugar? Am I never going to be able to enjoy Grandma's amazing desserts ever again? Why Me?!?!?

As I stare into the future depressingly devoid of Grandma's chocolate chip cookies, I am not afraid to admit that suddenly the world has lost a bit of it's color.  The joy has been taken from my step.  And yes, it must be said, I may have lost my will to eat (at least until my stomach stops torturing me for those last 4 cookies).  I guess I should just give up now and accept my fate of treadmills and endless sweat sessions at the gym.  Speaking of which, starts again on Monday.

Washington (2007) vs. Idaho (2011)

Who knew that the scales in Idaho and Washington could be so different! In 2007, while living in Washington I weighed a remarkable 160lbs.  Today, my new Idaho driver's license also reflects 160lbs.  That seriously cracks me up and makes me love the sweet old lady at the Washington DMV who didn't even blink when I told her I weighed 160lbs.  She must have been thinking "Ya right, and I'm the queen of England!", but instead she just smiled at me.

Death of a Diet at a Funeral.

Ok, so it isn't entirely the funeral's fault that I fell off the diet wagon, hit my head on a rock, and rolled into a pond filled with calorie enriched water of deliciousness!  I blame it partly on the annual sinus infection from Hades.  I hate being sick and frankly, for lack of a better term, I suck at it.  The only thing worse than being sick is being sick with a sinus infection.  The stuffy nose, lack of sufficient oxygen getting to the brain due to the stuffy nose, the sinus headaches, the sore throat brought on by the inexplicable draining of fluids from your head to your chest, the scratchy voice, and overall discomfort do absolutely nothing for my otherwise sunny disposition.  Of course, the only way to combat the sore throat is with ice cream! It is the only thing that brings even half a smile to my face during these times of trials and tribulation.  The only other items that cheer me up are Grandma's home made chicken noodle soup and mashed potatoes! Which brings me to the funeral killing my diet.  The only reason that Grandma made the delicious meal of chicken noodle soup and mashed potatoes is because there has been a ton of family coming in from out of town for the funeral which is tomorrow (Thursday).  So I guess, in part, my extended family is also to blame for the death of my diet and exercise program.  During this week it has been one family dinner after another.

             Sunday - Grandma's awesome previously described meal.
             Monday - Lunch at Westside Drive In (grease central...ick!)
             Tuesday - Lasagna Dinner at my parents
             Wednesday - Lasagna at Uncle Oren's (yes...again)
             Thursday - Whatever the church ladies send home with us!

You might be thinking that perhaps I could take personal responsibility for what I am putting in my mouth, and I suppose if I were sitting in your shoes I would have the exact same opinion on the matter.  However, you are not in the midst of the most epic battle of food vs treadmill! You are not on the front lines! I defy anyone in my position to say "no" to all the amazing home cooked meals that are being paraded in front of me daily.  I challenge any one of you to turn down a little old church lady's homemade casserole with a simple, "As amazing as that looks, please pass the celery instead"! We all know that those are the BEST casseroles on the planet!  In my weakened, sickly state how can you possibly expect me to have the will power and strength to pass on such deliciousness?!? Have you no heart?!?

At this point my only hope is to wait it out until Friday when all the extended family is leaving and there will be no more home cooked meals and family dinners to attend.  I will then have time to go back to the gym and my meager meals of apples and string cheese will once again become the norm.  I have exactly 48 more hours and I will be home free!!

Mind Over Matter

To those that know me from work, you may see me as the one who seems to have it all together.  I am the confident person that answers all your questions, encourages you when you are discouraged, and takes over when the call becomes too much and the customer wants to talk to someone else.  I am the one that builds your confidence when you have none.  

To those who know me only through this blog, I am the witty and sometimes humorous, recovering fat girl who admits to irrational fears and her unnatural love of cheesecake to the world wide web.  You know me as the person who doesn't take myself too seriously...why else would I post a picture of myself, standing on the scale with toes that have been horribly neglected?!? This little piggy needs a PEDICURE!! 

To those who know me in life...let me take this opportunity to say that you have my greatest sympathy for having to put up with my hot messiness on a daily basis...I am the girl that has lost 88lbs and yet still does not get ready for her day in front of a mirror.  Pathetically enough, I blow dry my hair in the bathroom with my back turned to the huge mirror that takes up half my bathroom wall.  It boggled my trainer's mind that when I was weight training I would always turn away so I would not be able to see myself working out.  Those of you who have gone shopping with me recently know that you still have to steer me away from the plus size section of the clothing store, and have to sit through endless trying on sessions because I don't know what I like any more or what I can successfully pull off. Suddenly the "fat guy in a little coat" scene from Tommy Boy comes to mind. Hmmm...

Someone (and by someone I mean Grandma, Aunt B, Amy, Tory, and a whole laundry list of unfortunate souls who have chosen to be a part of my life and weight loss journey) recently told me that I needed to be confident in my body.  Confident in my body?? What is this thing you speak of??  While I know that I no longer look the same as I did a year ago, or a few months ago (mostly from pictures that I once in a while come across), I still feel 245lbs.  I still think that is the way I look. Yes, the clothes sizes have changed, but I just chalk that up to stretch jeans and Spanx! How else does a 5'3", 245lb woman fit into a size 9/10?!?  I have always loved Spanx, but who knew they were so effective?!?  They are miracle workers I tell you!! =) I naively thought that once I got somewhat skinny, that all my insecurities and doubts would simply vanish into thin air! Ummm...ya....about that....  At any rate, I have been told by multiple sources (mostly men -go figure) that the whole feeling fluffier than I actually am thing is mostly a "woman's issue", and that unless I recover from being a red blooded, American woman, I will never fully wrap my head around my weight loss and always feel that my butt is too big or my thighs are thunderous.  FABULOUS! I feel soo much better all ready! Great pep-talk boys! Now just slap me on the butt and tell me to go win one for the Gipper and we will really have a winner! 

I am seriously looking forward to the day when the urge to buy jeans 3 sizes too big subsides, and the confidence I have at work crosses over into my personal world.  Until then I guess I will just pick myself up, rub some dirt on it, and fake it til I make it!