The Cleanse

Before Thanksgiving my trainer told me that I just HAD to do the Dr. Oz  3 day cleanse.  Apparently it not only cleaned out your system and resets your hormones, but also makes you run faster, jump higher, processes your taxes, makes a killer batch of krinkle fries, and gives you wings to fly! Ok, ok...I will admit that it doesn't do your taxes, but you get the point that this was supposed to be the cleanse to end all cleanses! Well, who am I to argue with Dr. Oz??  I quickly recruited my grandma to do this with me.  When I say recruited I mean voluntold.  While Grandma was in Arizona over Thanksgiving I bought a Magic Bullet and all of the ingredients for our cleanse.  When she landed I let her know that I bought groceries for the next 3 days and was excited to try out my new culinary toy!

I'll be honest y'all.  It did not go as planned.  I now know why Dr. Oz is so skinny! He starves! I have done cleanses before and never struggled like I did with this one.  I was extremely successful on the week long fruit and veggie diet.  What could be so hard about eating smoothies?? Well, let me tell you, it is not as easy as it looks.  I have eaten enough kale to last me a life time and if I never eat another chunky green smoothie again I won't be exactly sad.  I made it through to the last shake on day three and gave up.  Grandma was a trooper, but when I walked in the door after work tonight, she told me quite firmly that she was not eating that "stuff" tonight.  We had chicken tacos and after three days of not chewing my food and only being able to drink it, it had to be the best meal that I have ever consumed.

I am frustrated these days with my weight loss.  I am soooo close to "cheesecake" weight but I just can't seem to get my act together.  I have no desire to exercise or eat right, but sleep and laying on the couch all day sounds delightful.  I was really hoping that this cleanse would jump start my motivation and drive.  Instead, all it did was demoralize me and make me feel like a bit of a failure.  I am supposed to meet with my trainer tomorrow morning and have my weekly weigh in but the idea of standing on the device of torture and judgement (the scale) is less exciting to me than playing leapfrog with a unicorn.  I don't know what it is going to take but I need to get back at it.  I have come too far and worked too hard to quit now.  I am no longer excited about my size 7/8 jeans and am ready for size 5/6's. Who would have thought that I would ever get to the point where I felt fat and overweight in a size 8?  I can remember being a size 20w and wishing that I was a size 14! At any rate, I need to get going again.

I write this entry because I have been asked by many people if I ever feel like a failure or want to quit.  My answer...every day.  Every day, 5 times a day, I have to choose what I am putting in my body and whether or not I am going to exercise.  Sometimes I make good decisions and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.  The important thing that I am having to remind myself of  is that it doesn't matter how big I fail or how many poor decisions I make, the next day is always new and I have to pick myself back up, put away the pizza, and get back on that treadmill.

All The Other Kids Want My Workout Kicks

Yes, this is a blog posting solely about my new workout kicks. Yes, they are so cool that they deserve their own blog post. Yes, you are going to want these wicked awesome shoes and yes they are wicked awesome!! My new kicks are Salomons.  I was introduced to the brand by some guy I use to know, when I was looking for the perfect hiking shoes.  Having fallen in love with my hiking kicks (I tell you, it is like walking on clouds!), when it was time to replace my running shoes I decided that Salomon was where it was at.  I was sooo right!! I found them online and after a little price shopping, got a killer deal on amazon.com.   I was so excited after I ordered them, that I tracked my package for 24 hours and when I saw that my precious purchase had arrived in Boise, called FedEx and talked to a nice (might I add, single) guy in Akron, Ohio, had him track the exact location of the FedEx facility in Boise. He called that location to take my shoes off the truck, and then I drove to the airport at 8:30 a.m. just so I could have them in time for my training session at 9:30.  Yep...I am just that crazy!! But hey! A girl's gotta have her shoes!! 

Love My Shiny Workout Kicks

Aren't They Pretty?!?

The Shoes That Started It All! My Hiking Kicks! 

Allow Me To Explain

Having posted several "before pictures" lately, I have received several comments in the form of a question. "Doesn't it feel amazing to look at those pictures and see how far you have come?!?"  It's a question that has been posed several times so I thought that it may be more time effective for me to just post the answer here.

I'll be real. When I stumbled across the pictures that showed me at 245lbs, it was shocking. In fact, after spending more time than I would like to admit, staring at them, I am still shocked. I don't know who that girl in the picture is. I remember that Seahawks game. I remember that bus ride with Josh, Amy, and Braydon. I remember getting my face painted and posing for pictures. Heck, I even remember shopping for the off-white beanie the night before. But who is that girl in the picture posing next to Amy??  That can't be me! But it is.

So...does it feel good to look at the pictures and see my progress?? The answer is no. It doesn't feel great. Weird right?? It feels sad to me. It makes me a little angry too.  I ha a similar reaction when I was cleaning out my closet a couple of weeks ago. Two large garbage bags and 1 small bag later, my closet and patience were empty. I was beyond frustrated and grumpy about the whole situation.  My grandma was quite confused by my attitude. Allow me to explain. When I look at those pictures and I see my "fat" clothes being bagged up, I see what got me to the place of needing a size 20W pants and XXL shirt. I see the emptiness and pain in my eyes. I see the self doubt, the insecurity, and the misery that caused a 5'2" girl to literally eat herself into a depression so deep that she truly believed there was no way out. What upsets me the most about those pictures, is that I am fully aware of how easy it would be to go back.  Looking at pictures and going through clothes from the most unhappy and painful years of my life, is hardly the most pleasant of trips down memory lane. It is all still so familiar to me.

As I get closer and closer to the end of my weight loss journey and approach maintenance mode, I am acutely aware of the fact that Operation Moody Hottness is never going to have a Mission Accomplished moment. There will be no "fighter jet landing on an aircraft carrier with a giant banner in the background" moment for me! This is the rest of my life. Once I reach 125 - 130 pounds, the real fight and the real work will begin. The workouts won't end and the battle of healthy eating will heat up. There is no finish line.

I am realizing more than ever that weight loss is an emotional process and the physical really has nothing to do with it. If I do not take care of my emotional, mental, and spiritual health, I will one day find myself posing in a picture at 245lbs and faking a smile to cover the truth of what is going on inside. I get that this is a more serious blog post. Don't worry, I will be back to my self-deprecating and pithy postings soon. I am sure that I will feel the need shortly to express my most recent irrational fear of my eyeballs falling out of socket due to loss of fat in my face, sooner rather than later.

I have often wished that I had taken true "before" pictures.  The pictures I have previously posted were after I was already down 20 - 30 pounds from my true starting weight.  Well...today I stumbled upon true "before" pictures, and I have no idea where to even begin or what to say.  There are literally no words. This is what 245 pounds truly looks like on a 5'2" depressed, hopeless woman...

Praise God for His healing and His grace because today I have hope...

October, 2008

October, 2012

A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words

It occurred to me that I hadn't posted pictures for quite some time.  So...in the spirit of full photo disclosure, I proudly (or not so proudly) present to you the "unflattering" and "in progress" picture extravaganza!!                                                                                                  

April 2011

October 2012

April 2011

October 2012

May 2010

October 2011

Status Update

Wow! Long time, no blog!! I have been horribly neglectful of this blog over the past year and at times, horribly neglectful of my mission to lose 100lbs and eat cheesecake! I thought I would take a moment to update you all my progress and what I have been doing!

I still have not eaten cheesecake.  I haven't even touched cheesecake flavored items such as frozen yogurt or suckers for almost 19 months.  I've used what little will power I have in life and channeled it into keeping my commitment to abstain from all forms of cheesecake until I have lost 100lbs. It hasn't been easy.  I stared temptation in the face as I sat at The Cheesecake Factory and watched as my friends devoured various flavors of cheesecake and I snacked on apple crisp instead.  So...where am I today? How close am I to enjoying amazing, delicious, heaven-in-my-mouth cheesecake...well this morning I weighed in at ...

Yep!! I am a little over 2 lbs away from indulging in the most delicious, delightful, inspired dessert of all time!  

It hasn't been a 100% success story.  Around this time last year, I had gotten down to 157lbs and was feeling pretty good!  I quit. I told myself, "Eh, this is good enough. Bring on the junk food and fun!"  I am not proud to admit that I gained 20lbs back.  I frolicked through the spring and summer not really caring about the weight gain. I went from a size 9/10 to a size 15/16 and still had no motivation to do anything about it.  I was extremely motivated to eat pizza, Magnum bars, and any other junk food I could stuff in my face.  I felt awful.  Finally, at the end of July I had, had enough.  I hired a trainer and got back in the gym.  Combining training and treadmill time with hiking and bike rides and of course, healthy eating, I've lost 30lbs in 3 months. 

Cheesecake is a great motivator but it is not the finish line.  Even after reaching the 100lb weight loss mark, I want to lose another 15 - 20 lbs. These last few pounds are not going to be easy.  I know I am in for a fight, but this time I am not giving up and saying, "Eh, good enough". This time I am going to fight my way to the goal and then fight to stay there.  I will do my best to blog more about my journey even when I get to the point where I am working to maintain my weight.  It is my sincere hope that this blog and my story helps someone else and serves as an encouragement to anyone who is working toward reaching their goal weight.