Allow Me To Explain

Having posted several "before pictures" lately, I have received several comments in the form of a question. "Doesn't it feel amazing to look at those pictures and see how far you have come?!?"  It's a question that has been posed several times so I thought that it may be more time effective for me to just post the answer here.

I'll be real. When I stumbled across the pictures that showed me at 245lbs, it was shocking. In fact, after spending more time than I would like to admit, staring at them, I am still shocked. I don't know who that girl in the picture is. I remember that Seahawks game. I remember that bus ride with Josh, Amy, and Braydon. I remember getting my face painted and posing for pictures. Heck, I even remember shopping for the off-white beanie the night before. But who is that girl in the picture posing next to Amy??  That can't be me! But it is.

So...does it feel good to look at the pictures and see my progress?? The answer is no. It doesn't feel great. Weird right?? It feels sad to me. It makes me a little angry too.  I ha a similar reaction when I was cleaning out my closet a couple of weeks ago. Two large garbage bags and 1 small bag later, my closet and patience were empty. I was beyond frustrated and grumpy about the whole situation.  My grandma was quite confused by my attitude. Allow me to explain. When I look at those pictures and I see my "fat" clothes being bagged up, I see what got me to the place of needing a size 20W pants and XXL shirt. I see the emptiness and pain in my eyes. I see the self doubt, the insecurity, and the misery that caused a 5'2" girl to literally eat herself into a depression so deep that she truly believed there was no way out. What upsets me the most about those pictures, is that I am fully aware of how easy it would be to go back.  Looking at pictures and going through clothes from the most unhappy and painful years of my life, is hardly the most pleasant of trips down memory lane. It is all still so familiar to me.

As I get closer and closer to the end of my weight loss journey and approach maintenance mode, I am acutely aware of the fact that Operation Moody Hottness is never going to have a Mission Accomplished moment. There will be no "fighter jet landing on an aircraft carrier with a giant banner in the background" moment for me! This is the rest of my life. Once I reach 125 - 130 pounds, the real fight and the real work will begin. The workouts won't end and the battle of healthy eating will heat up. There is no finish line.

I am realizing more than ever that weight loss is an emotional process and the physical really has nothing to do with it. If I do not take care of my emotional, mental, and spiritual health, I will one day find myself posing in a picture at 245lbs and faking a smile to cover the truth of what is going on inside. I get that this is a more serious blog post. Don't worry, I will be back to my self-deprecating and pithy postings soon. I am sure that I will feel the need shortly to express my most recent irrational fear of my eyeballs falling out of socket due to loss of fat in my face, sooner rather than later.