An Army of Moody

Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge.

~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

This is going to be a rare blog.  For the first time ever I am going to be combine my two blogs. That's right!! Welcome to the first (and last) entry of The Adventures of Lindsay Moody Hotness!! 

"I've been standing where you left me, praying you would come and get me..."

I have been struggling more than a little with motivation lately. Happenings in my personal life have taken the wind from my sails.  Lies and betrayal  left me shattered, unmotivated, and unwilling to leave the couch to interact with the outside world, let alone spend some quality time with the treadmill.  I looked at the pictures from 2008 when I was at my lowest emotional point and my highest physical weight and recognized that, the girl smiling through the pain still lived inside me.  I was desperate for my favorite vice.  Food.  It makes everything feel better and in a world that was seemingly spinning out of control with one hurt after another, it was the only thing I thought I could control.  How sad that I believed that I could control food, when really, it controlled me.

"But now I've found my second wind.  Now I've found my second skin.  When you broke me into pieces, I gave each piece a name..."

Then it happened. The breaking point.  The point where one final act/request by another person pushed me over the edge.  I got angry.  No more! Enough is enough!  Do I look like a doormat that is here for your amusement?  Do you think you can beat me?  Do you think I am here to let you hurt me and then let you turn me into your errand girl?  Do you think I will allow you are anyone else to destroy me?  Do I look like a carrier pigeon, a member of the United States Postal Service, or a rider for the Pony Express?  Deliver your own dang messages.  I am not going to enable you to hurt me again!  Do you think you can break me? You couldn't be more wrong!  Hell hath no furry like a former fat chick, emotional eater, Moody woman scorned. (Pun is definitely intended) 

"One of me is wiser, one of me is stronger, one of me is a fighter, and there's a thousand faces of me. And we're going to rise up. For every time you broke me, well you're gonna face an army. Army of me!..."

I am not that scared, depressed, confused, hurting, hopeless girl any more.  I am a strong, independent, successful, beautiful (inside and out) woman who will not back down.  I will not and cannot be defeated.  I have been through and overcome too much to let a little pain defeat me.  The high road is not synonymous with the "getting walked all over road". I am too strong for that.  

"Welcome to my revolution.  All your walls are breaking down.  I see a glimpse of recognition, but it's too little too late.  And what you thought was your best decision, just became your worst mistake..."

Tonight I am back with a vengeance.  Nothing/no one is going to have the ability to control my emotions, eating, or weight.  I took back control.  I bought a new, pink iPod for the gym.  My phone has been a constant source of anxiety over the past several months and using it for music during my workouts has been detrimental.  I eliminated it.  I choose when I see a text message and when I hear a voice mail.  I went to the store and made a choice. I am actively choosing what I put in my body. No longer do my emotions or how another person makes me feel, control what I eat.  I am in charge and I will never stop fighting.

"So how does it feel to know that I beat you, that I can defeat you? Cause it sure feels sweet to me! One of me is wiser, on of me is stronger, one of me is a fighter!" 

The Cleanse

Before Thanksgiving my trainer told me that I just HAD to do the Dr. Oz  3 day cleanse.  Apparently it not only cleaned out your system and resets your hormones, but also makes you run faster, jump higher, processes your taxes, makes a killer batch of krinkle fries, and gives you wings to fly! Ok, ok...I will admit that it doesn't do your taxes, but you get the point that this was supposed to be the cleanse to end all cleanses! Well, who am I to argue with Dr. Oz??  I quickly recruited my grandma to do this with me.  When I say recruited I mean voluntold.  While Grandma was in Arizona over Thanksgiving I bought a Magic Bullet and all of the ingredients for our cleanse.  When she landed I let her know that I bought groceries for the next 3 days and was excited to try out my new culinary toy!

I'll be honest y'all.  It did not go as planned.  I now know why Dr. Oz is so skinny! He starves! I have done cleanses before and never struggled like I did with this one.  I was extremely successful on the week long fruit and veggie diet.  What could be so hard about eating smoothies?? Well, let me tell you, it is not as easy as it looks.  I have eaten enough kale to last me a life time and if I never eat another chunky green smoothie again I won't be exactly sad.  I made it through to the last shake on day three and gave up.  Grandma was a trooper, but when I walked in the door after work tonight, she told me quite firmly that she was not eating that "stuff" tonight.  We had chicken tacos and after three days of not chewing my food and only being able to drink it, it had to be the best meal that I have ever consumed.

I am frustrated these days with my weight loss.  I am soooo close to "cheesecake" weight but I just can't seem to get my act together.  I have no desire to exercise or eat right, but sleep and laying on the couch all day sounds delightful.  I was really hoping that this cleanse would jump start my motivation and drive.  Instead, all it did was demoralize me and make me feel like a bit of a failure.  I am supposed to meet with my trainer tomorrow morning and have my weekly weigh in but the idea of standing on the device of torture and judgement (the scale) is less exciting to me than playing leapfrog with a unicorn.  I don't know what it is going to take but I need to get back at it.  I have come too far and worked too hard to quit now.  I am no longer excited about my size 7/8 jeans and am ready for size 5/6's. Who would have thought that I would ever get to the point where I felt fat and overweight in a size 8?  I can remember being a size 20w and wishing that I was a size 14! At any rate, I need to get going again.

I write this entry because I have been asked by many people if I ever feel like a failure or want to quit.  My answer...every day.  Every day, 5 times a day, I have to choose what I am putting in my body and whether or not I am going to exercise.  Sometimes I make good decisions and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.  The important thing that I am having to remind myself of  is that it doesn't matter how big I fail or how many poor decisions I make, the next day is always new and I have to pick myself back up, put away the pizza, and get back on that treadmill.

All The Other Kids Want My Workout Kicks

Yes, this is a blog posting solely about my new workout kicks. Yes, they are so cool that they deserve their own blog post. Yes, you are going to want these wicked awesome shoes and yes they are wicked awesome!! My new kicks are Salomons.  I was introduced to the brand by some guy I use to know, when I was looking for the perfect hiking shoes.  Having fallen in love with my hiking kicks (I tell you, it is like walking on clouds!), when it was time to replace my running shoes I decided that Salomon was where it was at.  I was sooo right!! I found them online and after a little price shopping, got a killer deal on amazon.com.   I was so excited after I ordered them, that I tracked my package for 24 hours and when I saw that my precious purchase had arrived in Boise, called FedEx and talked to a nice (might I add, single) guy in Akron, Ohio, had him track the exact location of the FedEx facility in Boise. He called that location to take my shoes off the truck, and then I drove to the airport at 8:30 a.m. just so I could have them in time for my training session at 9:30.  Yep...I am just that crazy!! But hey! A girl's gotta have her shoes!! 

Love My Shiny Workout Kicks

Aren't They Pretty?!?

The Shoes That Started It All! My Hiking Kicks! 

Allow Me To Explain

Having posted several "before pictures" lately, I have received several comments in the form of a question. "Doesn't it feel amazing to look at those pictures and see how far you have come?!?"  It's a question that has been posed several times so I thought that it may be more time effective for me to just post the answer here.

I'll be real. When I stumbled across the pictures that showed me at 245lbs, it was shocking. In fact, after spending more time than I would like to admit, staring at them, I am still shocked. I don't know who that girl in the picture is. I remember that Seahawks game. I remember that bus ride with Josh, Amy, and Braydon. I remember getting my face painted and posing for pictures. Heck, I even remember shopping for the off-white beanie the night before. But who is that girl in the picture posing next to Amy??  That can't be me! But it is.

So...does it feel good to look at the pictures and see my progress?? The answer is no. It doesn't feel great. Weird right?? It feels sad to me. It makes me a little angry too.  I ha a similar reaction when I was cleaning out my closet a couple of weeks ago. Two large garbage bags and 1 small bag later, my closet and patience were empty. I was beyond frustrated and grumpy about the whole situation.  My grandma was quite confused by my attitude. Allow me to explain. When I look at those pictures and I see my "fat" clothes being bagged up, I see what got me to the place of needing a size 20W pants and XXL shirt. I see the emptiness and pain in my eyes. I see the self doubt, the insecurity, and the misery that caused a 5'2" girl to literally eat herself into a depression so deep that she truly believed there was no way out. What upsets me the most about those pictures, is that I am fully aware of how easy it would be to go back.  Looking at pictures and going through clothes from the most unhappy and painful years of my life, is hardly the most pleasant of trips down memory lane. It is all still so familiar to me.

As I get closer and closer to the end of my weight loss journey and approach maintenance mode, I am acutely aware of the fact that Operation Moody Hottness is never going to have a Mission Accomplished moment. There will be no "fighter jet landing on an aircraft carrier with a giant banner in the background" moment for me! This is the rest of my life. Once I reach 125 - 130 pounds, the real fight and the real work will begin. The workouts won't end and the battle of healthy eating will heat up. There is no finish line.

I am realizing more than ever that weight loss is an emotional process and the physical really has nothing to do with it. If I do not take care of my emotional, mental, and spiritual health, I will one day find myself posing in a picture at 245lbs and faking a smile to cover the truth of what is going on inside. I get that this is a more serious blog post. Don't worry, I will be back to my self-deprecating and pithy postings soon. I am sure that I will feel the need shortly to express my most recent irrational fear of my eyeballs falling out of socket due to loss of fat in my face, sooner rather than later.

I have often wished that I had taken true "before" pictures.  The pictures I have previously posted were after I was already down 20 - 30 pounds from my true starting weight.  Well...today I stumbled upon true "before" pictures, and I have no idea where to even begin or what to say.  There are literally no words. This is what 245 pounds truly looks like on a 5'2" depressed, hopeless woman...

Praise God for His healing and His grace because today I have hope...

October, 2008

October, 2012

A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words

It occurred to me that I hadn't posted pictures for quite some time.  So...in the spirit of full photo disclosure, I proudly (or not so proudly) present to you the "unflattering" and "in progress" picture extravaganza!!                                                                                                  

April 2011

October 2012

April 2011

October 2012

May 2010

October 2011

Status Update

Wow! Long time, no blog!! I have been horribly neglectful of this blog over the past year and at times, horribly neglectful of my mission to lose 100lbs and eat cheesecake! I thought I would take a moment to update you all my progress and what I have been doing!

I still have not eaten cheesecake.  I haven't even touched cheesecake flavored items such as frozen yogurt or suckers for almost 19 months.  I've used what little will power I have in life and channeled it into keeping my commitment to abstain from all forms of cheesecake until I have lost 100lbs. It hasn't been easy.  I stared temptation in the face as I sat at The Cheesecake Factory and watched as my friends devoured various flavors of cheesecake and I snacked on apple crisp instead.  So...where am I today? How close am I to enjoying amazing, delicious, heaven-in-my-mouth cheesecake...well this morning I weighed in at ...

Yep!! I am a little over 2 lbs away from indulging in the most delicious, delightful, inspired dessert of all time!  

It hasn't been a 100% success story.  Around this time last year, I had gotten down to 157lbs and was feeling pretty good!  I quit. I told myself, "Eh, this is good enough. Bring on the junk food and fun!"  I am not proud to admit that I gained 20lbs back.  I frolicked through the spring and summer not really caring about the weight gain. I went from a size 9/10 to a size 15/16 and still had no motivation to do anything about it.  I was extremely motivated to eat pizza, Magnum bars, and any other junk food I could stuff in my face.  I felt awful.  Finally, at the end of July I had, had enough.  I hired a trainer and got back in the gym.  Combining training and treadmill time with hiking and bike rides and of course, healthy eating, I've lost 30lbs in 3 months. 

Cheesecake is a great motivator but it is not the finish line.  Even after reaching the 100lb weight loss mark, I want to lose another 15 - 20 lbs. These last few pounds are not going to be easy.  I know I am in for a fight, but this time I am not giving up and saying, "Eh, good enough". This time I am going to fight my way to the goal and then fight to stay there.  I will do my best to blog more about my journey even when I get to the point where I am working to maintain my weight.  It is my sincere hope that this blog and my story helps someone else and serves as an encouragement to anyone who is working toward reaching their goal weight.

A Failure...Of Epic Proportions!

So...ya....about that...

I am failing.  Horribly  failing.  The motivation and desire I had during this same time last year is nowhere to be found.  I have gained weight.  Lots of weight.  I don't necessarily like it but I am not exactly inspired to do something about it.  I could regale you with my impressive collection of a bazillion rather clever and well thought out excuses for my lack of motivation but in the end they are just that, excuses.  I don't know what it is going to take to bring back the focus.  I have given up my cheesecake vow, although I have yet to actually eat any of its deliciousness.  In a world of Magnum bars, cookies, doughnuts, and just about anything else that you can imagine that is delicious in my mouth, it is exceedingly more difficult to just say "no".

I could also entertain you with all the different distractions I currently have in my life, but then again, they are just distractions.  In my defense, I have never claimed to have an attention span longer than the average 2 year old!!  Let's see...work, living situation, friends, family, "dating", Gizmo, finding emotional health, combine all these ingredients and there you have the recipe for making Lindsay the most distracted, over-weight woman in the world!

So...how do I get my focus back?? How do I key into whatever it was that drove me to Moody Hotness only a year ago?  I don't know.  Perhaps a new commitment to updating my blog on a regular basis will do the trick.  Maybe filling my room with mirrors and walking around naked for hours on end until the very thought of chocolate makes me physically ill...oh boy...this could get a little crazy.

While I don't know yet what the solution is, I do commit to letting you all in on the decision and plan once it is made.  I do promise to update this more often and at least let you all know exactly where I am, epic failures and all!!

A New Day!!

Tomorrow is a new day...both literally and figuratively.  Tomorrow I begin to begin again.  All distractions are gone.  Food, Sickness, Guys (yes...I said guys), Moves, Promotions, and Changing Schedules have nothing on the focus that I now have for OMH.  It's time to stop the excuses and just do what I know I can do.  I know I can lose weight.  I know I can achieve goals.  The past 5 months may have knocked me off track but I am not going to allow everything that has gone on to derail me completely.  There comes a time when enough is enough!

So here we go.  No excuses. No more breaks. No more failure.

And The Sickness Continues...

Remember the days when I wrote about endless moves and stress and how I looked forward to the future of getting back in the groove of things??? Ya...about that.  I have now officially been sick for over a month.  FANTASTIC! As you can imagine, this has seriously cramped my treadmill style.  I don't even know if I remember how to operate treadmills or stair steppers or those dumb bell thinga majiggers.  Pretty sure Operation Moody Hotness is officially Operation Lindsay Please Don't Get Another Sinus Infection!

Biggest Loser Frustration

I can't stand this season of Biggest Loser.  Seriously! I can barely watch it.  Do these people not know what they have?!?  They get the opportunity to focus on nothing else besides weight loss and changing their lives, yet all they do is complain and whine and create drama and quit.  For a season that is based on no excuses, they spend an awful lot of their time making excuses.  Forget about the money they could win, think about the money they are saving on groceries, nutritionists, trainers, gym fees, and clothes.  The contestants literally have nothing to worry about other than the scale.

I would do anything to not have to worry about work, finances, clothes, moving, errands, appointments, and everything else life has.  To be able to 100% focus on working out and weight loss would be like the world's greatest vacation for me.  In case you haven't figured it out yet...I am frustrated.  I hate what I did to my body during my little 3 month hiatus of clarity and reflection.  I gained waay too much weight and now I am reaping the consequences.  I feel gross and tired and stressed and worst of all...fat.  No woman wants to feel fat.  No woman wants to admit to feeling fat.  All I want to do is wear sweats and elastic, probably because none of my clothes fit comfortably.  Spanx are no longer my friends but rather a horrible reminder of how far I have digressed.

The horrible thing is that I am not motivated.  Doesn't matter what I do or how I feel...I am not motivated to eat right or go to the gym.  It doesn't help that I have been super sick, adjusting to a new schedule at work, preparing for a move, and running around like a crazy person in general.  Those are all just excuses though.  I know that.  What is wrong with me? Why can't I just pick myself up by the sports bra, put the Magnum ice cream bars down, and hit the gym?? Why don't I take the first step and pre-plan my meals? I know that my bank account along with my waistline would enjoy the break.  I haven't had cheesecake in almost a year and even the goal of losing 100lbs and a visit to the Cheesecake factory doesn't peak my interest.  It is almost as if *gasp* cheesecake doesn't matter any more.  NO!!!!!!!!!!

I am hoping that after this weekend of moving is over I will be able to settle into a routine of sleep, eating, and working out.  If not, well, it is a good thing I save a few pairs of my fat pants!!

Work, Life, Moving, and Other Distractions

Seriously! Life is nuts and working out isn't happening.  Life is insane and eating right is more of a fantasy than a reality!  I get that I took a 3 month hiatus from the gym in order to spend more time working on the inside rather than the outside but this just stinks! I had no idea how hard getting back into the routine of working out would be.  Between pulling 50 hour work weeks, not sleeping, planning my move, surviving (no exactly living) life, and managing everything else life is throwing at me these days, I am lucky to get a meal in let alone a work out!

One thing I learned from my "brilliant" plan of gaining weight for the competition at work...it is way easier to pack on the pounds than it is to get them off! I have also found that I don't like being heavy.  I didn't think 17 measly pounds would be that big of a deal but on my 5'3" frame it was a HUGE deal.  My jeans are tight, my energy is down, and I feel gross.  This feeling of grossness doesn't do much for my motivation factor.  I just want to sleep and wear sweats all day!!  My move is also not helping.  I am having a hard time finding a gym that is close to my new home and doesn't have year long commitments and isn't crazy expensive.  I am also trying to figure out my new schedule for workouts as my commute is about to quadruple and traffic is not exactly friendly on Eagle road which I have to take to get to work daily.  Just typing out all of the reasons I am epically failing at OMH is overwhelming me and the need to find a Snickers bar and cheeseburger is great! 

Ok...enough of my excuses. Time to get off the couch and get busy in the gym! 

24lbs to go until cheesecake goodness...

Here Comes The Pain

Having been cleared by Dr. McDreamy to go back to the gym, I have decided that today is the day.  Today I say "no" to comfort and "yes" to blood, sweat, and tears.  Today I say "no" to chocolate and "yes" to apples, cheese sticks, and protein shakes.  Today is the day I say "no" to walking like a normal person and embrace the walk of a hunch back while moaning with every movement because my legs feel like jello.  Painful jello.  Today is the day I break free of the final pounds that have kept me from my beloved cheesecake for the last 10 months.  I will not quit! I will not cry! (Well...at least not publicly)  Today is my day of Independence!!!!

*Thank you Bill Pullman for the inspirational speech  borrowed from Independence Day!

The Trouble With Motivation...

The trouble with weight loss is not the actual work out but rather the motivation to go to the gym and work out.  The trouble with motivation is I don't have any.  I was feeling pretty good about myself this afternoon when I set up plans for an epic return to the gym, however I am pretty sure that I digressed a bit when tonight I found myself binge eating tortillas, sour cream, and cookie dough.  Trust me, it is A LOT less disgusting than it sounds.

When I think about returning to the gym the initial thoughts excite me! I love the natural endorphins and the sense of satisfaction that I have knowing that I have done something good for myself.  Then, as it often does, my mind begins to wander.  Suddenly memories of the excruciating pain of burning muscles and the hunch back of Notre Dame walk that I seem to acquire every time I start hard workouts. It is about this time during my jaunt down workout memory lane, that I have the sudden urge to curl up on my couch with a hot fudge sundae!

At any rate, I have only a few more days of freedom because Monday morning I have a date with "pain" and "suffering".  Anyone wanna join me for a sundae??

And We're Back!!!!

Apparently I am channeling my inner Michael Jordan and Brett Favre because I am coming out of retirement!!!! That's right!! After a 2 1/2 month hiatus from both gym and "hotness", I am back and ready to kick it into HIGH gear!! It is definitely going to be tough and I am already dreading those first few days of inevitable soreness and the hours of torture in the gym.  So...what's the goal this time?? I signed up for a Biggest Loser competition at work and definitely want to get rid of the last of the weight I have to lose.  I am working to lose 30lbs by April.  It works out to be a little over 7lbs per month.  It is going to be an uphill battle but it can and will be done!!!